5 Golden rules for tipping s**t at the s**t tip - Mile Cross edition

1} take your tippage at a peak time, you need the 'cover' of casual tippers to mask your dropoffs

2} park outside, never in, but not down the access road - you don't want them seeing what you've got on board during your first run, but also you don't want to traipse miles.

3a} Make sure you're dressed scruffy, but not 'professional' scruffy. Ie paint spattered slacks and or a polo shirt are a no-go. Wear dirty jeans and an old checked shirt.

3b} Dressing normally and taking in a dump run as part of a normal weekend day of activity will get you cautioned. Your footwear is vital. Old trainers ONLY. I masked my last illegal drop offs (paint) due to some n00b in inkwash jeans with turnups and desert boots getting grilled for trying to skip a bag of plant cuttings. The waste wranglers pounced on him straight away as he wasn't right for their place. Clearly he was going with his bird for a coffee straight after. Wranglers don't like those that haven't committed at least a full hour (travel plus dump time) to the dump run.

4} relax. take your embargoed item and stride purposefully to the dump zone. Don't even pretend to be assessing where it should go. Just walk and tip. Hesitancy, doubt, poor confidence etc will be smelt a mile off. You will need to prime a good tip-run soundtrack to motivate you if you lack the sheer arrogance to front the wranglers with a boot load of contraband.

5] if you get collared, front it. Play dumb, maybe even feign being a foreign with minimal English if you like. Maybe even a little De Niro-esque "You talkin' to me?" run thru in the shed. Preparation, preparation, preparation. Play dumb, express sorrowfulness and remorse, but by f**k make sure that tip stays tipped.

Good luck.

Posted By: MIKEWALKER, Apr 25, 12:34:39