For instance:

First line fine.
Second line: take out 'crust'
Third line: take out 'does' and pluralise 'break'
Fourth line: could change 'daddy' to 'king' to save a syllable and then the 'Delia's refectory' needs changing to something shorter but I can't think what to just now...

Posted By: DJ Ginga, Oct 12, 19:46:55