That was another cracking Guardian piece this morning, a hilarious review of that prog

Last night's TV

James was happy to lose his virginity on prime-time TV. But what did his family make of it?

I'm trying to imagine what last night would have been like round at the Riley's house, a tidy semi somewhere in Kent. They would have been watching the extraordinary Virgin School (Channel 4), I'm sure, as James Riley, the subject of the film, lives there with his dad and his girlfriend (his dad's girlfriend, not James's - he's never had one of them, even though he's 26). I'd like to think that, although she's not with his dad any more, maybe James's mum was there, too, as she also features in the film. And his nan. Maybe the evening went something like this ...

Mum: Ahh, James, on the telly, doing your paper round, look how handsome you are! I just don't understand why you've never had a girlfriend.

James: Mum!

Dad: You shouldn't be doing a paper round anyway, at your age. When's the sex?

Nan: Sex? What sex?

Mum: We didn't tell you exactly what kind of course James was going on in Amsterdam, Mum, in case it bothered you.

Nan: Look, there we are James, buying new underpants for you, for your trip to Holland. The grey ones you chose in the end, wasn't it? I bet you look lovely in them. What kind of course was it exactly, then?

Twenty minutes later, James is in Amsterdam and has enrolled at Aquarion, an organisation that helps people lose their virginity. He's with a lady called Carla, they're on the bed ...

Dad: Bloody hell, was it her who had your cherry, son? How old is she?

James: Dad! No, she just did the first part of the course, coaching me in intimacy and sexual grounding. She's 58 if you must know, and I didn't have sex with her.

Dad: Hmmm, she's not bad for 58.

Nan: Why are you taking her top off if she's not your girlfriend? What did you say this course was?

Mum: Don't listen to them, James. You seem to be doing very well. I'm dead proud of you, love.

Dad: Christ almighty, now she's naked and her legs are wide apart. And you're telling me you didn't give her one?

James: Honest dad. She was just showing me the entrance to her vagina, and her clitoris.

Mum: Maybe your dad should have gone on the course, too, from what I remember ...

Dad: Oi!

Nan: Couldn't you find anyone your own age, dear?

Twenty minutes later. It's a few weeks further into the course, James has entered the final stages, and is working towards finally losing his virginity.

Mum: Look at these women, discussing the size of my little boy's willy, on the telly. That's not right.

Dad: But listen, she's saying that when it's erect it's quite respectable ... oh, is that it? There's nothing respectable about that. That doesn't look like no Riley to me. You're a disgrace to the family name, boy.

James: But dad, I'm not aroused there. I don't think they're allowed to show that on the TV, not at 10pm anyway.

Nan: Who's this one, James? At least she's a bit younger - more like your mum's age than mine. Is she your girlfriend?

James: This is Bridgit, Nan, and she's got her own boyfriend.

Nan: Doesn't he mind that you're having sex with his lady?

James: They're different in Holland, Nan. Did you know they call sex "shex"? And we're not actually having sex in this bit, it's just our first session. She just gave me manual relief on that occasion.

Mum: Look at your little toes curling up, that must have been when you reached orgasm, was it dear? Ahh.

James: OK Dad, this is it, session three with Bridgit, the big one. Shush everyone, turn the volume up a bit, Mum.

Dad: Go on, son! That's my lad!

Nan: Look at your little hairy bum!

James: That's me becoming a man, Nan.

Mum: Shared with not just your own family, but also with millions of viewers. Isn't that lovely? You always were a generous boy. I told everyone at work to watch. And I set the video, too, so we can all watch it again. Ahh ... I love you, James, we all do.

Nan: Bridgit seems nice. Shame she's got a boyfriend.

Posted By: Old Git, May 16, 12:00:08