Filth Goal celebration music poll, Danny "cor blimey" Baker

Ipswich chase worst record

I have a correspondent whose passion for Ipswich Town at times overbalances into something approaching a sexual fetish. Every week he sends me minutiae about the club that he suggests I “could use in the column”. Needless to say, most of this holds little nourishment for those beyond Portman Road and is often simply libellous fabrications about various members of Norwich City’s board, squad and supporters.

However, this week’s communiqué fairly crackles with interest. Apparently, Ipswich are asking their fans which song ought to be played across the PA whenever the Tractor Boys score. The club have provided a shortlist, among which are Hi Ho Silver Lining by Jeff Beck and One Step Beyond by Madness.

I must say I’ve never cared for Hi Ho Silver Lining and what with all those Stoner lyrics about “flies in your pea soup baby” and “Hippy hats”, I can’t think of a less suitable song to heighten the excitement of a perfectly drilled half-volley. More importantly, Wolves fans already caterwaul this moth-eaten old standard at practically every corner they are awarded. Do Ipswich not want their own anthem? I mean, what football supporter doesn’t secretly feel that Stoke City’s random kidnapping of Tom Jones’s Delilah is one of the greatest strokes of branding genius ever committed by a crooning collective?

Elsewhere on Ipswich’s narrow wish list are such tired, hobbled clichés as (Is This the Way to) Amarillo by Tony Christie and I Feel Good by James Brown. Come on, Anglia, wake up! Jim Magilton, the Ipswich manager, was clearly expecting more when he told the club website: “You know, I really want the place rocking next season. I’m in favour of anything that helps build up the noise and I like the idea of music being played, especially when we’ve scored. It’s important that the fans decide what they want played. After all, they will be the ones jumping around to it, so it should be their choice.” Yes, but why limit the rave-up to such a stagnant and dreary selection, Jim? Though it’s true, football supporters are notoriously conservative and traditional when it comes to giving voice. Good God, most are still mangling Sailing.

Perhaps it’s time Danny Kelly and I started a consultancy service, offering tailor-made musical selections for every club in the league. After all, Danny K is the former editor of both NME and Q magazine. And me? Well, I’m afraid I just know any good record ever made, and there it is. A shocking piece of boasting I know, but do you want to make the stadium shake or not, Mr M? Believe me, it’ll be a magnificent and considered service we provide. Nothing pun-filled, weak-willed, ironic or generic. Just out and out clarion calls that will immediately act upon the opposition as Ride of the Valkyries did to the Vietcong in Apocalypse Now. For let us not be coy, that is exactly what we’re after here, isn’t it?

Therefore, off the top of my head, let me suggest Ipswich remove their hopeless selections from their site and simply announce that they will be striking up Nick Lowe’s Half a Boy & Half a Man every time the Blues find the back of the net. No, Jim, I’m sure you don’t know it, but just go and download it. You’ll find it is a raucous, ground-rattling, empowered sensation, just perfect for losing one’s mind to while giving the bird to those damned Canaries. Exactly what you’re looking for in fact. And it’ll be all yours, Ipswich!

Oh, and that’ll be £500 payable to the Two Dannys, thank you. Next!

Posted By: BSE Canary, Apr 17, 13:15:06