I found a tube of Testogel in the parlour of the Tempest-Stewart’s pile in the Mendips.

Caspian and Octavia had invited us down for a long weekend of polo and clays last May, along with various glitterati, mega, micro, macro influencers and t**tterati. We travelled down with our good friends Innsbruck and Vervain Brimble, they hadn’t been invited but Cas and Tavi said we could bring guests.

The Brimbles had had some trouble in Fiji earlier in the year, on Laucala. Their son, Miles had shot a Monkey-faced Bat with an old Leech & Ling Punt gun he'd found in a cupboard and was arrested. We thought they could do with some cheering up.

On the Saturday afternoon, after a few rounds of down-the-line and universal trench shooting, we all retired to the conservatory for a few bottles of Veuve Clicquot. Innsbruck had one too many and dropped a lit Mayan Sicar onto his Schoffel tweeds, setting fire to his plums. Amongst all the kerfuffle, I noticed Tavi and Vervain heading off to the pool with some of the younger chaps in tow and thought I'd join them.

The pool was a thing of beauty, with full Olympic-spec boards, everyone seemed to be having a jolly time when I heard a shout from above. I looked up only to see Vervain riding one of the young lads (Ridgewell Plaskitt I think), like a demented shark. Her fulsome breasts had wriggled free of her swimsuit and were repeatedly banging him around the chops as she bucked. The assembled began to drift off so I made my way back to the house.

Supper was uneventful, save for everyone trying to ignore Ridgewell's black eyes, however in the early hours I ventured downstairs to the parlour for a glass of Acqua di Cristallo Tributo.

I was about to return to bed when I heard someone squeaking in the pantry. Thinking it was someone in distress I opened the door, only to find Cas's man, Xander, rutting with his daughter, Aria. I'd had enough excitement for one day so left them to it. On the way out of the parlour, I slipped on an open tube of Testogel and broke the flexor digitorum sublimis in my left arm.

Posted By: malkybarkid, Mar 12, 12:12:03