........

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
• My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-b***h.
• Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
• Fighting for peace is like f**king for virginity
• If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhoea... does that mean that one enjoys it?
• How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
• Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
• A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.
• A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
• I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"
• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
• Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
• Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
• A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
• Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
• I don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
• Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat.
• Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
• With sufficient thrust, pigs fly just fine.
• If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you!
• A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
• Hallmark Card: "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're still here.
• I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well.

Posted By: Old Splat, Apr 25, 21:25:29