Yellowman: Day Six Jokes

Hiya mate keep smiling. Apologies in advance for non PC nature of some of the below but that's because they are old chestnuts from a past era:

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board. The headquarters in the US calls:
"Monkey number 1, Monkey number 1 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again:
"Monkey number 2, monkey number 2 to the television screen."
He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:
"Woman, Woman, please approach the television screen." She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says...
"I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch anything."

**************
A man comes home to find his wife packing her suitcase.

He says "Honey, what are you doing".

She says, "I'm leaving you, I want a divorce."

The husband says, "But why, what's wrong?"

The wife says, "I just found out that you are a paedophile"

The husband says, "Whoa, that's an awfully big word for a 10-year old."

*************
After her outburst on Breakfast TV a Psychologist has denounced Heather McCartney as clearly unbalanced.

Sir Paul has phoned in saying normally a couple of beer mats under her left foot does the trick.

***************
Visualise a Hotel room... with Jim Morrisson in one corner with the rest of his band; in another corner are John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison and Ringo Star - all are naked.

Gillian Taylforth walks in, drops to her knees in front of Jim Morrisson and begins to play the pink oboe. She swallows then starts on his guitarist, then his drummer and the keyboard player.

When she's finished, she licks her lips and wanders over to John Lennon and begins to do the same to him.

At that moment, there's a huge crash and Michael Caine smashes through a wall in a Mini-Cooper. He jumps
out, grabs her by the scruff of the neck and shouts....wait for it.....

"Oi, you're only supposed to blow the bloody Doors off!"

************
A bus full of Nuns is along a dangerous mountain road and its brakes give out around a particularly tight corner and crashes down into a ravine where it explodes, all of the Nuns are incinerated instantly.

The Nuns arrive at the exclusive Nuns entrance to Heaven (kind of like a VIP entrance but more cloud-like) where they meet Saint Peter who is standing next to a font which is filled with Holy Water.

Saint Peter greets the Nuns and asks the first one in line, "Is any aspect of you impure in some way?"
The first Nun replies, "Well... I did once see a man's penis..." Saint Peter tells her not to worry as the Holy Water will purify her vision, he then splashes some of the Holy Water onto her eyes and allows her into heaven.

He asks the second Nun the same thing who replies "I did once... touch a man's penis." Saint Peter then purifies her vision and dips her hands in the Holy Water to purify her touch and then allows her into Heaven.

Saint Peter is then about to ask the third Nun the question when the Nun at the back charges through the line to the front looking very exasperated.

Saint Peter quickly asks, "What is the matter sister?"
the Nun replies "Nothing's wrong I just want to gargle with it before Sister Susan dips her arse in it".
***********

Bloke goes to the doctors because hes having trouble with premature ejaculation. the Doc tells him when he thinks hes going to come he needs to scare himself, so recommends buying a starting pistol and firing it in the air to prolong the sex.

2 days later he goes back to the doctors. "Okay" says the Doctor "How did it go?" "Did it work?"

"Well" he says "Not good actually". "I was having a 69er with the wife and then felt myself about to come so Ifired a shot in the air".

"Okay say the Doctor, so what happened then?"

"Well" say the bloke "my wife s**t on my face, bit my bell end off, and the milkman came out of the wardrobe with his hands up".

Posted By: Old Splat, Mar 4, 21:04:53