Earnie - the fastest Welshman in the East

You'll all be as delighted as me to have secured a seventh striker for our squad. Just the one midfielder seems to do us OK, and I'm looking forward to having him back with us, though Dickson was looking worryingly purposeful yesterday and I must coach that out of him. "You can't run all that way", I tell them, "and NASA didn't put a man on the moon by launching it short - so give it some real welly!"

I'm sorry to have to tell you though that Earnshaw is not quite what I expected. His head quite clearly isn't right. Specifically, it's too near the ground. Even when he is standing up.

So I am immediately putting him on a programme of enrackment and stretching - you'll remember what we managed to achieve with Paul McVeigh's twin Peter Crouch. After all, he needs to hold the ball up for Thorney to make his darting little runs all around...hang on...you'll think I'm going mad but that sounded like a tiger outside my front window...where did all this Whiskas come from...

Posted By: Nigels Arse, Feb 1, 14:11:47