Fire up a barbie on those sandy bits along the South Bank

Toss off some pancetta, add seventy-five lugs of your second best extra virgin and some Andalucian oak-preserved balsamic before crushing three snails in their shells in a pestle and mortar, adding the pubes of two ginger cats and then sauteeing chunks of Thames-soaked whale meat as it's cut off the carcass. It tastes better the fresher it is, the very best way of all is to cut slices about half an inch thick while the whale is still alive.

Then wrap in some poncy bread, dip in some ewes milk, stick your dick in the mashed potato and sing the blues.

Or you can take it in a totally different direction by screaming "smack my b***h up" out of tune from the top of the Oxo Tower, insisting that they should have called it the Bisto Tower cos it tastes nicer while the nice gentlemen are escorting you downstairs.

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Jan 20, 17:49:34