Skin and gut them, remove head, tail and claws

Then place them in a jug with two pints of scrumpy cider, seventeen cloves, thirty diced shallots, 3.475 lugs of your third best balsamic and a squeeze of lemon, and marinate in your airing cupboard overnight.

Toss off some pancetta, crush and then chop some garlic, take the cats out of the jugs and roll them in founr handfuls of ripped basil, stuff them with cherry tomatoes, smear the garlic all over and then wrap in the pancetta, roasting in a medium oven for two hours. You can google for "naked breasts" and have a w**k while you're waiting if you're into girls, or "clive owen's schlonger" if you're into boys.

Then take the cats out of the oven, bone them and serve them on a bed of polenta and rocquette.

Posted By: Jamie Oliver, Nov 15, 15:48:23