One of my chums works in publishing and they're doing the new Jordan book...

...here's some of the highlights...

Great news. Jordan's second book is a comic masterpiece - reminds me of Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. Here are some foretastes:

Yes, yes, yes! I thought to myself kissing him back. I loved the fact that his body hair was kept to a minimum - we're talking back, crack and sack. And as he took off his boxers revealing his trimmed pubic hair, I thought...perfect. Because I can't stand hairy balls! As we all know, girls, it's better off - and if you don't admit that, you're in denial.

I'd reached a turning point in my life. I'd had enough of Personal Appearances, of going on stage in front of a crowd of drunks and getting girls to get their tits out and being shouted at to get flash mine. It was starting to feel tacky.

I was expecting to see some stunners, but when I met some of Pete's exes, it reinforced my impression that when it came to sex, Pete wasn't at all fussy about who he went with - if something was offered to him, he took it, no matter what it looked like. I know looks aren't everything but sometimes I wish Pete could have been a bit more choosy..

He handed me a Burberry teddy bear with a diamond ring on its paw, got down on one knee, and asked me to marry him..

We swam, lay on the beach, watched dvds, had our beauty treatments in the same room. And I actually read a book, which was so unlike me.

(on failing to be chosen to represent the UK in the Eurovision Song Contest)
Inside I was burning with anger and humiliation. I had been promised that it had been fixed so that I would win and I would never have agreed to take part otherwise. I know that the only reason I didn't win was because I was pregnant. I felt that my credibility had been damaged.

I was could hardly believe my eyes as we arrived. Geography was never my strongest point but I hadn't realized that Venice is surrounded by water and has canals instead of roads!

'I'm not stupid' I shouted back (at Javine). 'I'm successful without Eurovision and all you'll ever be is a one hit wonder!"
"You've got a classy bird there," she muttered to Pete.
"Yes I am classy, you one hit wonder!" And for good measure I added "Fuck off, slag" I was so angry.

(preparing to give birth) I'd St Tropayed myself, so I was a lovely golden colour, my eyebrows had been done and my hair had been blow-dried straight. The nurse had told me I might need to shave down there but I replied, "Don't worry, it's as bald as a badger!" I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo.

Pete cut the umbilical cord. I chose this magical moment to be sick. Bollocks, I thought, I've been sick on my hair. Now it's going to stink and go curly.

Posted By: Fierce Panda, Nov 3, 10:44:44