Holy Moly

"(One) Knee Trembler

Before Heather Mills became Lady Macbeth, sorry McCartney, she occasionally reported for a southern TV station and was notorious for mangling even the simplest links.

Travelling to one shoot, and after having consumed nothing but an enormous bar of Dairy Milk for lunch, Mills began to freak out and rummage desperately through her bag. The crew assumed she was suffering from a huge sugar rush, but this wasn't the case.

She wasn't ill; she'd forgotten her dildo - her constant companion when spending even a single night away. Explaining that this was the reason for her crisis, Mills then had the cheek to ask the female producer if she could borrow hers, only to be told that many women survive a night away from home without having to impale themselves on a large rubber cock.

Incidentally, at the time of Mills' brief foray into TV, she was also a huge fan of meat, especially red meat. Stick that in your veggie lasagne."

"Aggravation. Location? The Station

Some years ago a nervous young Kirsty Allsopp was preparing for one of her fledgling TV appearances, on the Pebble Mill show in Birmingham. With travel provided, Kirsty excitedly boarded the train and found her allotted seat, opposite a bored-looking blonde woman reading a book.

Correctly guessing that other guests were being transported to Birmingham, Kirsty tried to engage her fellow traveller in conversation. "Oh hello, are you doing the show too?" There was no reply from the sour-faced harridan who continued to read. Still Kirsty persisted, reasoning that surely no one could be this rude?

"I'm Kirsty. I'm on the show to talk about property management." No reply.

"So what do you do...?" Finally, the woman put the book down and looked Kirsty up and down with a terrifying glare that is banned in some martial arts movies.

"Ah give the best bluuur jobs in Britain," she announced in a glass-shattering Geordie accent, before going back to her book and ignoring Kirsty all the way to Birmingham. Then all the way to the taxi rank. Separate taxis. Then all the way into the studio and make-up. Kirsty only learned the harridan's name when they were officially introduced on the recording.

Introducing... Heather Mills. Of course, this was back in the days when Heather had two legs and no Beatles. To her credit, Kirsty nurses a healthy grudge to this day and roared with laughter when Heather's leg fell off at a celebrity party."

Posted By: Arizona Bay on October 31st 2007 at 12:50:27

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