imagine them being read in Tommy Cooper?s distinctive voice

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ?I?m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.? She said: ?You don?t have to. Wear your tuxedo.?

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

She?s always smiling. She?s the only girl I know whose teeth are sunburnt.

Now here?s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ?What?s new??

I?ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ?I?m leaving you all my money.? The nephew said: ?Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?? He said: ?Get your foot off my oxygen tube.?

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ?Guess who I ran into.?

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ?Thank God, the laundry?s back!?

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ?Sure . . . go hang yourself.?

(As Sherlock Holmes) I say, Watson, this is a most serious case ? the window is broken on both sides.

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ?Did you put anything on it?? I said: ?No, he liked it as it was.?

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ?Oh, do it yourself!?

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the lightbulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ?But a lot of people have swum the Channel.? Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ?I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two??

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ?I want to know why I?ve been arrested.? The sergeant said: ?You have been brought in for drinking.? He said: ?Oh, that?s all right, then. Let?s get started!?

I always sit in the back of a plane. It?s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ?I?ll toss you, double or nothing.? I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I saw a sign on a Scottish golf course once. It said: ?Members will please refrain from picking up lost balls until they have stopped rolling!?

I said to the girl in the shop: ?I want to buy a hat.? She said: ?Fedora?? I said: ?No, for myself!?

I?m recovering from a cold. I?m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I?ll cure someone.

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn?t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

He?s so tight-fisted, he?s got varicose veins in his knuckles.

She still plays the piano by ear . . . but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ?What have you been doing today?? The knight said: ?I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.? The King said: ?But I don?t have any enemies in the north.? The knight said: ?I?m afraid you do now.?

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ?What are you complaining about? You didn?t use the present I bought you last year!?

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to ?3. The manager said: ?Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge ?3?? He said: ?What??

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ?If he grabs the pitchfork, he?ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he?ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he?ll be a carpenter.? I grabbed the nurse!

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ?What?ll you have?? He said: ?A whisky and soda.? Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ?I?ll have a gin and tonic.? The barman said: ?That?s amazing. I?ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.? He said: ?He can?t. The chicken?s a ventriloquist.?

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won?t climb a telephone pole.

She was so beautiful, when I took her home in a taxi, I could hardly keep my eyes on the meter!

It wasn?t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ?Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.? The psychiatrist said: ?That?s only natural.? The leopard said: ?But, doctor, she?s a zebra.?

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

Posted By: ghostof barry butler on October 18th 2011 at 12:29:17

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