It might seem senseless but it's not.

I suspect this is not the only reason she is stayinging. Sadly, victims of domestic violence do not just wake up one morning and decide to leave and this is a common misconception. Those that do decide to leave, in most cases, have been preparing to do so over a long period of time (months, even years) because leaving is seen by many women as a dangerous process. Many abusive partners threaten to follow the partner wherever they go; in some cases, these threats are genuine and, in cases that involve children, many victims feel that leaving is often not worth the risk. Her childrens' safety is the most important thing to your friend and her decision to leave will be balanced against the likelihood of her partner actually carrying out these threats, if threats are indeed being made.

Your friend, if she is considering leaving but does not openly admit this, will currently be weighing up the advantages and disadvantages of leaving, both material and emotional, however she will be considering the needs of those she loves ahead of her own. When weighing up these options, she will probably feel like the things she stands to lose are material, tangible and certain, whereas her gains are intangible, take longer to be realised and are largely unknown. These options are very difficult to weigh up from within an abusive relationship. She may feel as if she has a fairly shallow network of friends to rely on for support (this isn't necessarily true but she may feel as if all of her acquaintances are his friends) and so by being there for her, you will be helping to establish somewhere she can turn to for support that is definite, should she decide to leave in future. If she leaves and does not have this support, she runs the risk of causing more harm to herself and her children.

Her decision to stay is understandable and you cannot pressure her to leave. This does not make her 'impossible' and it's not to say she disagrees with you. What she is likely to be doing is testing the water to see how much external support she has... So be there for her and make it known to her that there are options for her ouside of the relationship she is in. Make sure she knows that there are organisations she can turn to - Womens Aid (www.womensaid.org.uk), Victim Support (www.victimsupport.org.uk), Leeway (www.leewaysupport.org) and that she can turn to you to contact them on her behalf if she fears that her partner will find out she has been in touch.

Posted By: tim berry on April 16th 2011 at 22:49:56

Message Thread

Reply to Message

In order to add a post to the WotB Message Board you must be a registered WotB user.

If you are not yet registered then please visit the registration page. You should ensure that their browser is setup to accept cookies.

Log in